Already, I feel a knot in my chest
The memories in my mind tangle with one another and I try to slow them down,
I try to hand pick the moment in time where everything went wrong.
Into me, into you.
Our everything intertwined.
Lost in each other.
You said, if its not now then never.
stuck between you and I
your mind and mine
I didn’t know where to go but to run to you and run into your arms and into your love and right into your ultimatum.
And our differences revealed
The Tetris shapes to my soul didn’t quite fit into yours
But we chose to live with this impossibility.
We hid and covered up with the love that consumed us
The crazy attempts to stay, underneath the arguments that crept up through the surface, like lava, burning everything we tried to hide.
And I wasn’t always good.
My foul mouth
My beastly attitude
My heavy demeanor
My cold solitude
My history I believed and portrayed as my right —
Yet when uncovered, it was your weapon
With every mistake, and every fuck you
With every I’m sorry, and every fuck this
Every baby please, and every I hate you
With every just fuck me, and baby just leave me.
Not realizing that in attempts to show my true colors, you erased them and colored them with your own.
Violently in love, violently in love with the opposite of me.
Yet, I find myself buried in you.
Sometimes I put on your socks, and your pants, and your shirt, and your sweater
I hide underneath the blanket you gave me just to feel you breathing down the back of my neck, just to feel you wrapped up behind me, tousled in my limbs, our hearts possibly as one
Just to have you next to me because you’re still inside of me.
And at night, when I’m alone I feel the rage in my core
I feel the need to call, to text, to telecommunicate with your soul and forget that we can’t because we haven’t figured out in which way to turn to make our souls fit.
But my heart connects with yours and it feels like its inching out of my chest, breaking through, gasping for air, feeling the gravitational pull towards your heart miles away.
And then I realized that maybe – I might be missing me more than I’d be missing you.
And that in my reflection, I stood there with the flesh of my chest cut in half and although my heart wept, it cleansed.
And I stood there dripping,
Dripping in the radiant colors of my open heart
I realized that as a contemporary daughter of the universe
As a woman raised by a Queen, a lioness,
I refused to be stripped of my unwillingness, my rebuttal, and my revolution
Because the fire inside of me does not burn to warm your insecurities
My being was not hand crafted to please your aesthetic desires
I am savage.
And my darling, my sun, my moon, and my stars
You shook the planets inside of me and I apologize for being only an eighth of the woman you thought I could be
But I’ll figure out that I am fully the woman I am going to be, as I am – wild, free, & me.