The last few months have been kind of a world wind of emotions. Before that, I was going through sort of a “writer’s block” period, then I got some news that translated into writing anything and everything – the only way I can cope.
I’ve come to a point in my current stance in life where I feel comfortable sharing what I had been going through, not because I don’t have anyone to talk to because I guess I have plenty, but writing is what I do and what I love and it just seems important enough for me to shout it out and proclaim my happiness because today, May 4th, 2015 is the day my mother officially beat breast cancer.
I’ve been in Texas for the past few weeks with her and she did have to have a double mastectomy – but it is all gone and did not spread.
I feel that I can think straight for once. Before, I felt as though my life was moving in super speed without me and I was reaching for something to hold on to. Today, it all came to a halt and the entire world was lifted off of my shoulders – my entire body, my mind- I just feel so light.
It was easy for me to fall into this survival protective mode for the sake of my mother, my grandmother, and my aunts. But there were days, damn, there were days I wanted something like, to sink into a hole in the ground and let it consume me.
My aunts and my grandmother mentioned how strong I have been but that’s just not it – my attitude towards everything is just to be as optimistic as I can be; I believe so much in the vibes that you put out is what you receive and never do I ever want to be remembered as the girl who let something consume her (although I have been that girl before) – I don’t know. And I guess you shouldn’t call it strong when the nights seem like they’ll never end with the thoughts clouding your brain with everything and anything. I found myself being so angry at certain people and then at myself. I wasn’t alone, I have an amazing support system who was there for me every step of the way, but not having that certain someone you were always used to being there – especially times like these, some one to hold you and just make you feel that everything will be alright – I don’t know, that kind of shit creeps up on you at the most unexpected moments.
But you see, life works in amazing ways. And none of this probably makes sense but I have some writings – poetry, prose, random shit – that would probably best explain my entire mind map/journey during this time period that I’ll edit and possibly share – its just that it all seems so distant now, so different and not insignificant but well, in the past.
I guess, this is my own personal character development but nothing can compare to how overwhelmingly thankful I am today. There’s just nothing I can compare it with. Thank you universe for another day.
So yeah, I’ll share that other stuff at some point but right now, I’ll go sit next to my mom and drink some tea and shit talk about whatever.